Clown of the week: Chad ‘OchoCinco’ Johnson
If you have yet to hear about the abysmal week Chad has been having, you’re missing out. First, I need to vent about his idiotic name change. This has bugged me from the second I first found out about it, and yes, I’m adding insult to injury. Morons like Chad and the athlete formerly known as Ron Artest lose whatever tiny ounce of credibility they had when they change their name to something idiotic. Whatever they’ve done in the past to make people believe their athletic talent is not the only thing keeping them from handing incorrect orders out a drive-thru window is erased when their old name is.
I mean, seriously? His name doesn’t even make sense. Your number was eighty five which would translate to ochenta y cinco, not ‘Ochocinco!’ Guess it just wouldn’t fit on the back of his jersey. But, that brings up another question - why are you translating your number to spanish and making it your name anyway? Is there some hidden hispanic heritage in your family we didn’t know about? Did you have some life-affirming experience in Mexico that has left you forever changed and this is your homage? Or did you remember two words from the spanish class you slept through in eighth grade and decide this would be your bold artistic move to let people know how deep and interesting you are? I’m guessing the truth lies closest to the last example.
Wow, it feels so good to finally get that off my chest! And let’s face it, it needed to be said.
Now that we’ve established why Chad should be the Clown of the Week every week we can get into why he is particularly qualified this week.
Years of showboating and publicity stunts have been allowed only because Chad really does have a freak amount of talent. The thing is…Chad’s not that young anymore. He’s lost a step and has dropped from one of the NFL’s elite athletes to a mere mortal. This alone is expected as athletes age, and, if you’re adored by millions of people, teams will probably keep you well past your prime. But, Chad wasn’t adored. In fact, Chad wasn’t even liked by a lot of people. This past Saturday the final straw was added to break the camel’s back as he was arrested on domestic violence charges for allegedly head-butting his wife. He was released Sunday, but his problems were far from over.
Because of Chad’s history of being a distraction to the team this incident was reason enough for the Miami Dolphins to decide to let him go. Following the incident, a woman stepped forward claiming to be Chad’s mistress and even that the affair continued until just weeks before his wedding. Whether she had already decided to leave him after the headbutt or not, news about the affair led Chad’s wife to file for divorce just 41 days after their wedding. Of course, without her the show planned with VH1 about their marriage titled “Ev and Ocho” had to be canceled.
You probably couldn’t watch a ship sink faster even if you literally searched Youtube for “sinking ship.” One week he was an NFL athlete with a beautiful wife and a television show deal, and the next he was out of a job getting a divorce with a misdemeanor. Chad this meltdown along with your career of immature antics allows me to gladly deem you Dragnsync’s Clown of the Week. Well done, sir.